Write your own wedding vows: now is the time.
To say 2020 has been a bit of an odd year so far would be the understatement of the Century. As I write this, the UK is in lockdown. People are being patient, hanging on in there and doing the very best they can to weather the uncertainties, but no one quite knows when life as we know it will start again.
Wedding day postponement.
This has of course had a huge effect on the wedding industry. Couples countrywide are having to postpone their marriages and wedding celebrations. Days that they have planned meticulously and have been looking forward to with all their heart are being rearranged. Of course this will have caused stress and disappointment. Of course couples itching to get hitched won’t welcome the delay.
But like Joe Wicks’ morning PE lessons, the Thursday evening Clap for Heroes, and even good old Colonel Tom, there are lots of positives that could come out of these strange times if you choose to make the most of it. And in the case of your delayed wedding ceremony, one of those positives is time – in particular, the oh so precious time to write your own wedding vows.
What stops people writing their own vows?
‘Normal life’ is hectic. Ask a friend how they are and nine times out of ten the answer would be ‘Busy!’. Pushed from pillar to post, without a moment to yourself, the thought of carving out time to write your own wedding vows would seem to many couples an impossibility. How could they find the time to dedicate to something so important? How could they free up the headspace to think about what that special person really means to them? When would they have a chance to craft the right words?
It’s this lack of time, along with a lack of confidence that puts people off writing their own marriage vows. But now that the world has slowed a little; now that you have to wait a little longer until your new date – perhaps you could embrace a new form of DIY and use this opportunity to write your vows. With time to consider and time to plan will come confidence in your ability to write something wonderful.
Why write your own wedding vows?
Still not convinced? Well, let me put forward an argument why writing your own wedding vows and promises really are a great thing to do.
‘To have and to hold; from this day forward; in sickness and in health’.
How many times have you heard that at a wedding? There comes a point in everyone’s life when Summer becomes ‘wedding season’. Every weekend taken up with either weddings or the preceding stag or hen dos. Way before I became a celebrant, I spent a lot of time being a guest. Lots of fun. Loads of love and laughter. But by heck was I fed up of vows by the end of it all. They were the same. Every. Single. Time. By wedding six/seven/eight…the most important part of the ceremony, whilst probably still special to the couple, had completely lost its meaning to me. It felt that my friends were committing to each other and declaring their love with borrowed words and phrases, used countless times before, that had nothing really to do with them.
Your love, your way.
Now I know, it’s not about me. It’s not about your guests. It’s about you. But I guess that’s kind of my point. Your vows should be about you. You are unique. Your love is yours alone. Why should you declare it in the same way as everyone else? Now is your chance to use your own words to create personal, heartfelt promises.
How to write your perfect vows.
‘That’s all very well Jane. We hear ya. We’re going to give it a try. But how the heck do we go about it?’ Glad you feel that way. Let me give you some pointers.
Start early.
Remember that ‘time’ word I mentioned. Well, this is when it really comes into its own. My usual advice to couples is to give yourself three weeks before your big day – minimum. So, what a joy to now have far longer at your disposal. Starting early means you have time to think and do it properly.
Take a trip down memory lane.
Spend a lovely lazy afternoon looking through old photos. Hunt out keepsakes or gifts you’ve given each other. Each photo will hold a memory. Each keepsake will have a story. These can all remind you of the experiences you’ve shared and be starting points for things you might want to mention in your vows.
Take time to talk.
Set some time aside to talk with your partner about the style you want your vows to take. Romantic? Funny? Down to earth? A mixture of all the above? Will there be some parts that echo each other? Will you share them beforehand? Or keep them secret for a big reveal? Talking about your vows and all you hope they’ll be is a way of keeping the excitement of your day alive, even if you’re having to wait a little longer for it to become a reality.
Love a list.
You don’t have to start writing straight away. In fact, it’s actually better if you don’t.
Make a bullet point list first. They’re a great way of collecting together everything you might want to say, of getting stuff down and getting started. Sometimes a blank page is the scariest thing. But once you’ve thrown some words on to it, it won’t seem so bad.
Lists can be as long as you want. Think of it as a brainstorm on your love and relationship. Chuck everything you can at it. There’s no wrong answers. Once you have your long list, put it to one side for a few days. Return to it, revisit it; keep revising it. You’ll soon find that there’s highlights and things that stand out – put those in your vows. If they stand out as special to you, they’ll be special to the one you’re going to be saying them to.
Writers block.
Even the most prolific and established writers experience brain freeze at some point. If that happens to you, ask yourself some questions to get started again. What do you love about your future partner? When did you first realise you loved them? What do you miss about them most when they’re not around? How have they enriched your life? What are you most looking forward to in your life together? What are your goals and aspirations for the future?
I promise…
Vows and promises tend to be the most serious part of a ceremony. It’s when you make a lifelong commitment to each other. They should include an element of intent.
Alongside the fact that you love the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, vows are a chance to promise to do things that will make your coming years together as good as they can be, and your relationship stronger. Use phrases such as ‘I promise’, ‘I vow to..’ and ‘I pledge’.
Make them laugh.
Whilst it’s important to acknowledge the serious commitment you’re making to each other, there’s also room in your vows for humour. Promise to keep on saving them from spiders. Promise not to nick all the duvet. Add an in joke or phrase that you know will make them chuckle. Couples who laugh together stay together, so start as you mean to go on.
Be realistic.
Wedding days are of course joyous, positive occasions, but there should be a part within your vows where you acknowledge that your future may not all be plain sailing, but you’ll be there for each other whatever happens. You are committing to spend the rest of your life together – good and bad. Assure your partner that if times get rough, you’ll still be there. Whatever life throws at you, you’ve got their back.
Say ‘I love you’.
“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I’m going to say ‘I love you!’”…. you’d be surprised at how many couples I work with who forget those three little, or should that be three big, words. Or maybe they don’t forget. Maybe it’s a British thing. Too much heart on sleeve? Too much cheese. Embrace the cheese! If it’s heartfelt it won’t be cheesy. And there’s nothing more heartfelt than voicing your love.
How to bring it to life.
So, you’ve got your list. You know what you want to say, and all the stuff you want to mention. How do you go about turning it into something special? What techniques can you use to get those words down on paper?
Write a letter.
People can find the word ‘vows’ daunting. It puts so much pressure on the task ahead, that it can stop people before they even start. Instead of thinking you’re writing your vows, imagine that you’re simply writing a letter. Imagine you weren’t going to be able to see your loved one for a while. How would you tell them how you were feeling about them from a far. You can even begin with ‘Dear…’. Write it out by hand. Maybe even seal it in an envelope and give it to them on the day. The love letter to end all love letters.
“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”
In your own words.
Vows don’t have to be full of lofty phrases and convoluted language. Special doesn’t have to mean pompous or la-de-dah. Write it as you would say it. Use phrases you would usually use. They’re your wedding vows, so sound like you, not like you’ve swallowed a dictionary. If they’re your words they’ll also be easier to say and therefore you’ll feel more comfortable reading them out. This will help no end when it comes to the day itself.
Once upon a time.
Everyone loves a good story. Recounting memories of your time together can work as part of your vows. Tell the tale of how you first met. Use an anecdote to explain when you knew your partner was ‘the one’.
Inspiration
Borrow some words or phrases from someone else. Perhaps use well-loved song lyrics to get you started. Find something that already means something to the pair of you, or lyrics that sum up how you feel and weave them in to your vows.
Once they’re written.
Say it loud and proud.
Well done! You’ve written your vows! Now you’ve got to check they make sense when you say them out loud. Practise reading them, not just to get your mouth used to saying them, but to check they feel and sound right. When you say things out loud rather than just in your head you will hear their meaning more. It will help you fine tune what you’ve come up with.
Sense check.
Get a trusted friend to listen. Not only is this useful prep for saying them in front of friends and family, but it will help you check they all make sense to those who are going to be hearing them on the day. Ask them what they really think. Be open to their suggestions and willing to edit.
Ask your celebrant.
If you have chosen your celebrant well, you will hopefully trust them and their judgement. It is likely you will already have told them a fair amount about yourself and your partner. They will have an idea of who you are and what you’re like as people, so will know whether your vows suit you and the rest of your ceremony.
They’ll be able to offer advice on what you’ve written. They might be able to suggest alternative phrasing that may be slightly more apt for a ceremony. They will know about things like time length and help you shave words if they think you are speaking for too long. Think of this as fine-tuning though. The vows will still be yours, just perhaps with a little tweak here and there.
Your celebrant will also be able to give you pointers in terms of how to perform your words. They are well versed in where to pause, where to place emphasis, how to project their voice. They’ll have lots of helpful tips to make sure you do justice to what you’ve spent so long creating.
Help is at hand.
You’ve tried, but the words just aren’t coming. The cavalry will always be there – talk to your celebrant. Ask them to put your list of feelings, memories and hopes for the future into words for you. It’s what they do every day for a living. They will be able to help you out. It’s never too late to pull the rip-chord.
On the day itself:
Fresh copy
It’s important you can read what you’ve written clearly, so print out a fresh copy of your final draft. You can always give the pages to your celebrant to look after until the time comes.
Steady as you go
When it comes time to say them, don’t rush. Take a deep breath and pace yourself. You want your friends, family, but most importantly your other half to really understand what you’re saying and take in every word.
Plan C
Weddings are emotional things. Tears can spring up out of nowhere. Have a back-up plan, in case you become overwhelmed. Your Celebrant can read your vows if you can’t get the words out. Discuss this beforehand so you all know what to do if the time comes.
Enjoy it!
Remember – everyone is on your side. You are saying your vows in front of your friends and family and the person who loves you most in the whole world. They want you to be brilliant. So enjoy it. Be proud of what you’ve written. And be glad you’ve had the precious time to do so.